Finishing up a rewrite of the ~55K I have written of Sublimation, the last overhaul before I push through to the end. I came across this sentence, in the original:
Without hesitation, I grabbed the weapon, pulled it up to his forehead, and squeezed the trigger.
One of my pet peeves is when someone who is talking to me says something like, "I know you're busy, so I'll get straight to my point..."
Too late!
Once you've said that, you have already voided the proposition. If you want to get straight to the point, do it. Don't set it up.
And, goodness if I didn't do the same exact thing in that sentence. As soon as I have my first person narrator saying, "Without hesitation," at the front of an action, I have inserted a hesitation.
After a moment of wanting to punch myself in the nose, I deleted the offending words, and left:
I grabbed the weapon, pulled it up to his forehead, and squeezed the trigger.
Anyone else have any of little narrative paradoxes to share so the rest of us can be on the look out for them? Things that, as soon as you say them, have lost their meaning or at least their punch because they they are or create the very opposite of what they say?
.Nevets.
I do that all the time, I add words that are redundant. Thanks for this reminder. Your example made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteCD
Great example. I tend to build scaffolding in my prose. I'm working to deconstruct.
ReplyDeleteNevets, I want to know why your character is "pulling up" the weapon. Is it very heavy, or is it attached to something? Or is the person about to be shot hanging on to it? I really need to know!
ReplyDelete@Clarissa - Glad you laughed, too. I laughed out loud when I read it.
ReplyDelete@Lois - I like the imagery of scaffolding. That's a good word it. Bits you put in while you're crafting it that don't really serve any purpose in the actual product. I dig it!
@Frances - hehe Well, then, start telling every agent you know to keep their eyes out for when I start querying Sublimation. ;-)
You've reminded me to tighten up my own writing. Thank you for posting this.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds me of when people say to me "Can I ask you a question?" I say 'no' most of the time but then they proceed to ask the intended question. I don't understand why the preamble if they're not going to listen to the response. I think: "if you wanted to just ask me a question then ask; don't make a request first especially if you aren't going to listen to the answer!"
"Needless to say" is one of my worst pet peeves. You see that, you know it didn't need to be said, at least not in that manner.
ReplyDeleteWhen reading other people's writings the one that irks me most is "I couldn't help but . ."
I like how you fixed your sentence; direct, to the point action. Bang.
The lesson was a good one for me.
......dhole
@Donna - I sometimes catch myself saying needless to say in casual writing, and I kick my own ankle. I think I have managed to avoid using it in craft writing.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help but appreciate your other peeve...
And I'm glad you found my example helpful!