The good news is, while the recent changes in my job have kept me busy, things are starting to settle down and I'm starting to find a new routine. The past few nights I've even gotten some good writing done. All the "hard" stuff in Sublimation is actually done, and there are still some words to be produced, but it's mostly the "easy" stuff. Of course, the challenge is to not race through the easy stuff, lest it become terribly written stuff.
Actually the other challenge is I'm learning the need for downtime. Many of you know what it's like. Many of you have your own variations on the theme. I've got the dayjob which accounts, in a quiet week, for 45 or 50 hours of time. I volunteer as an EMT, which either keeps me busy or at least limited for two or three nights a week. There are things that need done around the house and part of life.
When I'm not doing those things, or spending some set-aside time with my wife, I feel like I should be writing.
Do I want to be writing?
But more than that: I feel like I should.
I'm a huge believer in the value or writing lots when you're a writer. I'm also a major proponent of approaching writing like a job.
Unfortunately, that means I also tend to cut myself out of all downtime.
And so then there are nights like tonight when, if I weren't on call as an EMT and as a IT manager, I would probably have just gone to bed at 7pm, because honestly I can barely stay awake.
This is the danger zone for me. This is how I drive myself to breakdowns and shutdowns.
I've never really known how to relax. I mean, honestly, as a teenager my main hobby was historical and archaeological research.
So I don't do the just sitting there and being quiet thing. My brain feels restless and on edge when I do that.
This makes it even easier for me to say, "Well, then you should be writing."
And I want to be. I want to finish Sublimation. I want to work on some short stories. I want to get back to Ennui and Malaise.
But I need downtime. That doesn't mean a break from writing. I'm not sure what it means, in terms of actual use of my time. At a minimum, it means I need to take the should out of the equation. I need to feel less guilty if I want to sit and learn languages for a while, or study martial arts for a while, or refine the categorization of tracks in my iTunes library for a while.
Thing is, I live on shoulds. I don't always do what I should, but the shoulds weigh me down and crush me, and when I try to shoo them away, I just find another.
I'm not really sure what I'm saying in this post. Partly, just an explosion of words. A good friend in college who appreciated my writing used to say that I'm a verbal processor and half of what I write out is just to help my own self think. Partly, it's so that you know you're not alone in this struggle. Partly it's because you guys are such a sharp group, you always turn bits of wisdom out of the blue.
But honestly, if I think about it... it's because I felt like I should do a blog post tonight.