Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Swimming in the Syrup, Grabbing for Minnows

All---

School of minnows, image from NOAA
This is not whining.  This is not complaining.  This is  just me, describing what I see, as I sit here at the bottom of this goldfish bowl full of syrup, staring at a phantom of the room light, my arms flailing around trying to grasp  at the tails of all the dozens of minnows that are swimming by.  I'm not sure what I want to do with them if I catch them.  Eat them?  Examine them?  Ride them up to the surface?  All I know is that I do want to catch them.  If only I could see them more clearly.  Move my arms more swiftly.  Anticipate their movements as well as I can see the tracks left in the syrup.

But I can't.

And that's what it feels like these days.

If you were to stereotype me as a character, I think one of the main traits you would jot down would be, "curious."  I won't belabor the list of things I've studied, done, or experienced.  There are few things that don't grab my interest in some way, shape or form.  There are few things in the world which don't spark some little bit of curiosity in me.

I don't have a passive curiosity, however.  If you were to jot down a second trait in that notebook, it might be, "driven."  I don't mean that in an Alex P. Keaton sort of way.  Some time ago, a three-trait personality test classified me as a Visionary-Visionary-Visionary.  What all that means is that when I have an interest that captures me, I feel compelled to realize that interest.  I have no static ideas.  Every notion is propulsion.

That can be an amazing thing when you have focus.

Combine that with curiosity, and you're being propelled in a million directions.  Every direction feels mandatory.  Every direction feels important.  Every direction makes sense.

Family.  Work.  EMS.  Teaching.  Anthropology.  Studying Mandarin.  Studying Thai.  Studying Japanese.  Gardening.  Photography.

Oh, yeah.  Writing.

It's a tricky balancing act in the best of times.  When I'm exhausted by work, allergies, or anything else, that's when I end up at the bottom of the goldfish bowl, grasping at minnow tails.

I used to stress about it.  I don't stress about it as much.  I know it's how I am, and beating myself up over it isn't going to help. Instead, I get this restless feeling as my mind races in too many directions, desperately begging me to keep up.  Feeling restless doesn't help combat exhaustion.

The downside?

When work is going crazy or my allergies are kicking my butt -- or both -- the writing  slows down too much for my own taste.  My brain just can't stay in multi-direction over-drive.  And, please understand, it's not about task discipline; it's about what all the corners of my brain are doing.  Five or six streams of thought are okay.  Full steam ahead?  Harder, but maybe okay.  Unfiltered and overlapping?  Unmanageable.

The upside?

My writing and my authorial voice directly reflect this personality.  My writing is voice-heavy and driven.  My narrative is multi-stream.  My stories often reflect the reification of some philosophical idea.  Everything that distinguishes my writing (whether you like it or you hate it) can be credited to (or blamed on) my curious, driven brain.

Happens a lot doesn't it?

The things which make the going tough also give our particular way of going its unique charm.

If only I could see those minnows a little more clearly, move my arms a little more swiftly...

.Nevets.

7 comments:

  1. Visionary-Visionary-Visionary. Why does that not surprise me?

    (Which test was this? I wouldn't mind taking it, if it's online somewhere...)

    ReplyDelete
  2. haha It's not as glorious as it sounds. It means I have lots of vision, but no ability to do anything with it. I'm trying to remember the three keys.

    I believe it's Thinking-Working-Emoting.

    I've done a whole lot of personality tests, and the ANSIR Three Sides of You test was honestly one of the best. Very thorough and well-rounded and almost scary. Unfortunately, it was really the work of one woman, Sandra Seich, who passed away in 2009 after a prolonged battle with cancer. The website, her test, and her work weakened during her battle and collapsed on her death. She had a couple of books out, but I don't think the test exists any more.

    It's really too bad.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hear you, sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. I used to do that until I collapse, and it didn't end pretty. :)

    Time to make some hard choices and simplify? Peace.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Jennifer this sounds somewhat similar to the Myer Briggs personality tests, which I've taken online. For example there are categories like:

    Thinking vs. Feeling
    Perceiving vs. Judging
    Extrovert vs. Introvert

    And they draw results after you answer dozens of questions to make it more accurate.

    ReplyDelete
  5. When you're feeling like this, do you ever set yourself small, manageable tasks, Nevets? Dealing with one, or possibly two, minnows at a time, and ignoring the rest for the time being? Then at least you will have done what you set out to do, without being completely overwhelmed.

    The minnows in syrup sound like an esoteric dish conjured up by one of those wacky chefs - have you heard of Heston Blumenthal?

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Shopgirl - If someone can tell me how to become less curious and less interested in some things, that would be great. :)

    As far as the test, it's a little similar, but the MB is more about core qualities and the ANSIR three keys were more about how you your personality was actualized. Also, a much longer and more thorough test with a lot more precise applicability of its more diverse results categories.

    @Frances - I can manage the tasks okay sometimes that way, but the problem is my brain. Because I think multiple streams of thought all the time and because they're all in overdrive, even if I'm engaged in a single, attainable task, my brain is doing other things, too.

    I'll have to check out Heston Blumenthal. I don't eat a lot of unusual foods, but I find them interesting and/or entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Nevets, I'm really glad you are at peace with this, and I definitely agree that this is what makes you unique. Instead of resisting our tendencies, I think more originality would come from people nurturing who they already are.

    ReplyDelete

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